Lately, I have been crying about my shattered dream. I think about becoming a prostitute. I need a job that could pay me $200 so I can get a plane ticket to L.A. I also need $20 for the Greyhound bus ticket to San Fernando so I could become a porn actress. Once I arrived in LAX, I could call uncle about my plans. He's feel slightly upset, but what could he do. The economy is shitty anyway; this recession keeps many people on their toes regarding their own jobs. Many people lost their jobs. Homeless shelters and bread lines have seen an increase (sarcasm lol). My parents didn't lose their jobs yet. And I'm still unemployed. 18 years old and unemployed. Imagine that. Since I've been sobbing about my lost dreams, I thought about taking drugs again. Yes, the drugs that nearly destroyed my life and got me high the entire school year. I've stopped knitting and doing hobbies. I stopped buying and stopped shopping. I've stopped going to the library on Saturdays and read magazines. I stopped wearing jewelry and hair accessories. I stopped wearing makeup (except for foundation and concealer, of course). I stopped reading books. I feel so numb lately, as if hurtful and mean comments couldn't break me down to tears. It's as if I could strip and have sex in front of cameras. When my father heard that I'm not graduating, he felt so angry. I thought that he got over it, but he didn't. It's June and he still ahven't gotten over it. He got the news in the second week of May. My uncle and my father attended a counselor's conference with the graduation coach, Mrs. S. I personally think that Mrs. S is faking a smile and faking happiness whenever she sees students. It's sickening. I hate her. --------------------------------------------------------- Today, my father bought my sister a Toshiba laptop that costs $ 899.999 at the Lindbergh Best Buy. He drove to Lindbergh and we walked through Best Buy. I didn't know why we were there until he hand over the credit card to the new laptop. My sister doesn't seem estatic or excited. She just seem ok with it. He had to remind me what a failure I am. He buys my sister everything. All of the furnature in her room are specialty and bought just for her. I don't get fancy paintings, drawers, a brand new tv, beanbag chair, new bed, and now a new laptop. I just realized that no man would want me, lol. I didn't go to prom AGAIN. I have no boyfriend for four years. Yes, my entire high school years were completely empty and lonely. Oh God, the pain is excrutiating(bad spelling). I think about becoming goth. I could wear black clothing and black shoes. I could dye my hair.